FUCK THIS

CHASTITY BELT

I'm wondering if I should steal this guy's idea and use it to attract Allyson Felix.

STEVE JOBS RESIGNS AS CEO

Steve Jobs resigned as CEO of Apple today. Tim Cook will replace him.

Can the behemoth company survive without the leadership of Jobs?

GARAGE SALE

What do you get when you cross a pack-rat with a downsizing of your living space? A helluva lot of left over crap crammed in a storage unit. (Okay, maybe that's not the best punchline in the world but it's better than Carrot Top's A-material)

It's been a year since the crap entered the storage unit and it's time to shove it off onto other people. So we're preparing for a garage sale. I found an article on how to have a successful garage sale on Money Crashers. It covers everything from planning to throwing the sale. Oh sure, any idiot can throw a garage sale, but I always say "there's only one letter separating a 'garage' sale from a 'garbage' sale."

What are your secrets for a successful garage sale?

AMY WINEHOUSE'S LAST PUBLIC APPEARANCE

Amy Winehouse's last public appearance at the iTunes Festival in London as her teenage goddaughter, Dionne Bromfield, sings Mama Said.

WEINERS AND HYPOCRISY

Weinergate continues to rage on. People are screaming for Anthony Tweets Weiner to step down. But should he? Rachel Maddow does a great piece on the Republican hypocrisy, Anthony Weiner and the David Vitter Effect.

ONE DAY, TWO HOLIDAYS

What's better than a holiday? Two holidays on the same day!

Today is both Hug an Atheist Day and National Donut Day.

The 3rd annual Hug an Atheist Day is a pagan holiday founded by some lonely and pathetic heathens on Facebook.

National Donut Day was started in 1938 by the Salvation Army in an effort to raise money for people in need (but presumably not for gay people). The two donut behemoths, Dunkin' Donuts and Krispy Kreme will be handing out free donuts today. Well Krispy Kreme is handing out free donuts. Dunkin' Donuts is making you buy a coffee to get a donut.

So go out there and celebrate both holidays. Fill up on free donuts and hug as many atheists as possible. But if you ask me, only god could have created a donut.

And it's also CPR Awareness Week.

BREAST MASSEUR

Okay, time for a career change. After reading how Xia Jun became the first man in China to be a certified Breast Masseur after only 3-months of training, I'm packing my bags and heading to China with a dream to be the second certified Breast Masseur.

And for those of you who think it's just about the chance to fondle breasts, look at the reasoning of Xia.

Xia has stated that having his female employees sent for the same training would not be a wise investment, citing fears of high employee turnover after acquiring new breast-massaging techniques. Instead, Xia wisely suggests that it'd be more cost efficient to have his male managers teach his female employees the necessary breast-massage techniques.

See? Teach the men how to do it and they can teach the women, because if you send women to be trained they'll leave their jobs to be professional Breast Massage Therapists, as opposed to sending the men to learn and then teach the women because then the women won't leave their jobs. Totally makes sense.

Photo courtesy Shanghaist or some creepy lurking guy.

THE DIM SUM TRUCK

The Dim Sum Truck made a visit to my street today, saving me a trip to Arcadia. I tried the special plate - 2 Shu Mai, 2 Har Gow, 1 Steamed Pork Bun, Lotus Wrapped Sticky Rice and a Lotus Sesame Ball for $11.00. It was all yummy. Didn't knock my socks off but didn't suck either.

But $11.00!? What the hell? It's dim sum. It's supposed to be crazy cheap. Granted I saved time and money not driving to Arcadia but $11.00, in my opinion, is way too much for what I got.

Will I eat from The Dim Sum truck again? Yes, as long as someone else is paying.

PICTURE OF THE DAY

The picture speaks for itself.

THE ROYAL WEDDING SCEPTER

Kudos to Prince William and Kate Middleton for reviving a long forgotten English tradition:

The First Royal Public Fellatus.

Afterward, the thousands of onlookers cried, "God save the Queen!"

CHARLIE SHEEN'S QUOTES PRESENTED BY SUPERHEROS

Oh where to stand on Charlie Sheen's tumult into the loony bin? On one hand I agree with Craig Ferguson in that all of the press is like paying a penny to watch a whacko do whacko things in Bedlam.

On the other hand, there's Charlie Sheen's Quotes Presented by Superheros.

What's a boy to do?

UMAMI BURGER OPENS IN STUDIO CITY

The fifth taste is coming to Studio City. Nestled between Mexicali and Lucky Brand Jeans (and right across from Starbucks), Umami Burger is scheduled to open tomorrow.

And what the hell is umami? Well, umami is one of the five basic tastes: sweet, sour, bitter, salty and umami. Really? I don't remember Bottle Caps Candy coming out in umami flavor but then again my childhood was a long time ago. But it is said it's the fifth taste.

"A person's first encounter with umami is with breast milk."

Hmm, now that I mention it, my mother's breast milk did have a slight umami flavor.

Anyhoo, besides offering its namesake burger (maybe it tastes like breast milk), the Japanese infused Umami Burger offers a truffle burger and a port and stilton burger.

Umami Burger has a huge following and it'll be interesting to see how it affects business at the ever popular burger joint, The Counter, which is just a few doors down the street.

Umami Burger
12159 Ventura Blvd.
Studio City, CA

CHEESESTEAK GOODNESS

Yesterday I had a hankering for a good-olde-fashion-east-coast-bad-for-you-good-for-your-cardiologist lunch. So I sauntered outside to the South Philly Experience Food Truck and had me one hell of a cheesesteak sandwich.

I had mine wit (yeah you heard me - wit) onions, cheese Wiz and a whole bunch of greasy goodness. The SPEFT serves up their sandwiches on Amoroso's bread - the only bread for a cheesesteak. Throw in some Herr's potato chips and a package of Tastykakes and for about 30 minutes I was back in my childhood down the Jersey shore on a hot summer's day.

KNOCKOUT TACO TRUCK

I tried the Knockout Taco Truck for lunch the other day. Billed as the "Undisputed World Champion of Tacos," I prepared myself for a Mike Tyson blow to my taste buds. I ordered the Kurabuta Pork Taco - Filipino Sisig with Sawsawan sauce in a soft shell. My wife got the Rolled Carnitas - two fresh fried tortillas with avocado sauce, cotija cheese and creme mexicana.

Sounds yummy.

Tastes - eh, okay. The Mike Tyson blow never came. It was more like a punch from my daughter's Mr. Fuzzy Bunny. It did not blow me away.

And for $10 total I wanted a little more food.

Is it awful? No, it's okay. Will I go there again? No. I'll be at Chipotle.

COOKIE-STUFFED COOKIES

I had a whole different post in mind today but then my friend Kristina ran this by me on Facebook.

Cookie-Stuffed Cookies!

Holy mother of immeasurable BMI! Oreo stuffed chocolate chip cookies!? It's like a freakin' turducken of sweets. Adam Kuban of Serious Eats has written a great post about these cookies, which he got from the Picky Palate.

I think I'll make a batch of these for my next Diabetics group meeting.

Photo courtesy: Adam Kuban, and I hope he doesn't sue me for using his photo like Adam Schultz sued a NYC restaurant for using Sarah Palin's picture.

ANNIE REMAKE

And speaking of vomiting, I just had a clam chowder surprise in my mouth. It's reported that Glee creator Ryan Murphy is being courted to direct a new film version of the musical Annie. This new version is being produced by Will Smith as a vehicle for his Whip My Hair daughter Willow. And if that's not enough to make you want to chunderspew, there's a rumor Brad Pitt will play Daddy Warbucks. Jay-Z will (reinterpret?) do the music. Oy. It works much better for Dr. Evil.

I can't wait for the Will Smith remake of My Fair Lady.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fertilize the bushes.

DELIVER STREET PIZZA

Ugh. I've been sick the past few days and haven't had the energy to get out of bed, let alone blog. But it did get me thinking of euphemisms for puking. Here are a few of my favorites:

• Deliver street pizza
• Burp for the hearing impaired
• Conduct a surprise toilet inspection
• Burp with follow-thru
• Didn't make it to poop
• Paint a Pollock
• Make the chunky puddle
• Fondle the Pope
• Review the menu
• Burp in 3-D

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to anti-poop.

Jogasaki Food Truck

I live by CBS Studios in Studio City. Almost every day there are glorious food trucks parked out front. (Although the much sought after Grilled Cheese Truck has yet to rear its cheesy head). The other day a new truck set up shop.

Jogasaki.

This truck put the dingle in my dingleberries. It's awesome! They make sushi burritos. I had a spicy tuna, crabmeat, eel, avocado, rice, sweet sauce and cucumber strips wrapped in soy paper burrito. I know, shut the front door!

This picture doesn't do it justice. It's HUGE! And he made it in about 10 seconds.


The website isn't up yet but you can follow them on twitter at @JogasakiBurrito

Happy New -- What the Hell!?

You'd think the Chinese, the people who invented fireworks, would know how to use them correctly. But a fire caused by fireworks gutted a five-star hotel in Shenyang, capital of northeast China's Liaoning Province.

The hotel could have been saved but -

"fire engines, whose water guns could jet water only 50 meters high, were helpless at the fire which flamed on the top of Tower A, 219 meters high."

What the hell? Didn't anyone think that scenario through? Someone at either the Ministry of Hoses or the Ministry of Towers messed up big time.

No one was hurt but the Xinhua News took a catty swipe at the hotel's guests -

"All the 50-odd people in the hotel were evacuated."

Maybe it was an Odd Couples convention.